WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS EXTREME NAVEL GAZING
I have a confession to make. Well, I have a lot of confessions, so maybe I'll hold back on one or two. I love blogging. But I hate it as well. I mean, I love interacting with you, my blogging friends. But I find that at times I bore my own self with my wailing and gnashing of hooves and teeth and swishing of tail.
You see, for reasons not clear to me, I am suffering the most debilitating depression I've known in my life. Yes, Dr. Jab is still hanging tough, coaching me ringside and medicating me as best he can. But I still find myself painted into a corner. And while corners are probably fascinating places and subjects for some, I am just plain STUCK.
So, I self-medicated without Dr. Jab's approval (my day of reckoning is Friday) and went on a month long holiday while the children spent July with dad. I spent 10 days with my parents in my old childhood hometown. Then I spent a lovely 20+ days with my beloved Soubriquet in England. And I found I wasn't ....... DEPRESSED !! For some reason, possibilities arose where none had existed before ..... I could see the new life I've been wanting to create for myself. I smiled. I had real adult conversations. I watched movies, ate lemon cheesecake and drank myself silly with ginger beer (a more gingery tasting ginger ale).
Then ....... I came back to my reality. And depression has snaked itself around my thoughts again. So here I am, navel gazing again. And putting forth a plea to you, my blogging friends. I need help. I'm stuck. Fear is doing it - not being able to control what is going to happen to me and my family. I'm meeting with my not yet ex to be x'd tomorrow in hopes of moving forward on a settlement. I have not begun looking for a job. Yes. The teaching hiring season is long past. I cannot cry over spilt milk. Depression has sunk deep fangs into me, eroding all of my confidence in myself. My lease will be up in November and I must think about where I will be moving to .... find a new place. No job = no mortgage ..... you see? These thoughts snowball into one another.
I need encouragement, guys. I hope you're in for the long haul. I know I can get by with a little help from my friends.