pity party

It's true. I'm sad. And I'm sad that I'm feeling so sad - you know that feeling? I'm wearing baggy sweats and a T-shirt riddled full of holes. No hair washing or leg shaving today, no siree! A handful of potato chips and a couple of spoonfuls of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia, but food isn't really enticing me at this party. I wish I could just sleep the day away. However, now that I am med-free, I have no pharmaceutical options to make a sleep filled day an option. Television is a bore and I just finished my book, by my favorite author, which I found to be, yep, horrible reading. I guess I can say I'm on the verge of being depressed.

What triggered this sad state of being? Besides imagining that the entire world is living a fuller more exciting life than I am, I recently had to say good-bye to my beloved. His companionship is a balm to my more fractious soul parts. I enjoy his company no matter how inconsequential the doing is (cleaning up dishes, folding laundry, watching him fix my back door etc.) We laugh. We read poetry together. We take drives out of bubbletown and find many of the same things interesting. So there was the first blow.

Second knock-down: saying good-bye to my college-bound son. He's the first to leave the nest. As a mother, I acknowledge that one spends a life preparing their children to go out into the world and make their own mark. It IS a rite of passage and one I would not wish for him to miss at all. College is a great age: freedom, minimal responsibility, money still from mom and dad if you're lucky, and no mortgage payment. But I keep seeing him at age 2, chasing seagulls on the beach and laughing his heart out. Or blowing those huge bubbles in the back yard and then popping them. Or how about the time he petted a cat for the first time and it purred ?? Not to mention the times he curled up next to me for one more story to be read. Or asked for help on breaking up with his first serious girlfriend? Truthfully, he no longer needs me in the same way and it has been a process. But I've been clinging to him and now? I miss him.

Soubry sent me this thoughtful comment on 'dealing with a woman's sadness':

As for sadness, well, you're quite right, men try to fix things, and can not understand the female wish to embrace misery. Men, when miserable, withdraw to the cave, hammer on things, and work it out in solitude. We figure out that if it can be fixed we should fix it, if it can't then we should work through it, drown it out with activity, or ignore it.
How much is nature, how much nurture?
Little boys fall off their bikes, skin their knees, and are told to be brave, not make a fuss. Little girls tend to get fussed over.
Then we grow up, perhaps it stays with us. One has a role that embraces sorrow, the other is expected to be stoic.
Women have a tendency to want to sorrow in company. We're just wired differently."

And I agree with his thoughts. I want to be embraced in my sorrow. Hugs are great. Words I don't need too much other than ones such as: this will pass. I understand how you feel. I love you and you're not alone. Because truly, I think the most frightening aspect of this all is how alone I feel at the moment. Two significant good-byes in two weeks .... please tell me it gets easier.



gz said...

It never does, sorry.
But that is balanced by the joy when you next see them

goatman said...

His comment about gender sadness is so true. Lately I have been doing chores in a frenzy of activity trying to stay ahead of depressing thoughts. And it seems the hurrier I go the behinder I get.
But it fills the mind . . .

red dirt girl said...


first, i'm sad you are struggling with depressing thoughts BUT i completely understand - I am too. What you are doing is actually called 'Forced Activities' according to my psychiatrist. He tells me to have a list of activities to do each day and FORCE myself to get out of bed and do them. Easier said than done as most former enjoyable activities are not so enjoyable at the moment. Work for me helps. Today I ran errands after work, which I rarely do, and this has kept me busy into the evening hours. I also bought a stack of books in the hopes that I can re-kindle my passion for reading. It is one of the true joys that depression has stolen from me. Good luck my friend! (Still med-free except a pill for my overwhelming panic attacks which Dr. Jab tells me is TEMPORARY)


goatman said...

Gee, I didn't know there was a name for that -- I have my list right here, mostly stuff crossed off.
And it does seem to be a good coping mechanism.

Stay ahead of it!